Being nurses, we have to struggle with so many obstacles such as working long hours, working weekends and holidays, and dealing with the occasional tough patient. But recently, I dealt with what I feel is the hardest part of our job: death.
I know it’s a part of our job and I’m going to get used to it, but my first death took a pretty good toll on me. First off, it was on Christmas. Secondly, I was the one that made the call to the family. We all talk about it, but when it actually happened to me, I was sick to my stomach the whole day.
I fought back tears the entire day. It happened at 9:30 a.m. so the rest of my day was spent dealing with the medical examiner, organ donation banks, the family, and my overwhelming feeling of sadness. Thankfully, everyone I worked with was so supportive and helped me through the whole process. Without the help of the other nurses, I don’t know what my day would have turned into.
The second I walked into the parking garage, I lost all my self control and couldn’t stop crying. All I wanted to do was get home to my family on the holiday, but I couldn’t even drive I was crying so much. I don’t know if I was crying because the patient died or because I became aware that death is such a huge part of what I am doing with the rest of my life. It scared me. But then I felt almost honored that I was a witness to something so intimate; that I was there when the patient breathed his last breath. As nurses we get to be a part of the most pivotal moments of life and death: the first and last breaths.
It was a really hard day for me and I know I’m going to deal with it more and more as my career progresses. I was just wondering if anybody had some words of wisdom for me when it happens again. Are there certain things you think of to make it easier or things you do to try and move on? You feedback would be most helpful!
January 30th, 2009 at 1:44 am
My first patient was an elderly Italian-American who just the week prior had been playing bocci ball and his accordion with his friends. Mr A caught the flu, which turned into pneumonia. He was in a 4-man room and we discovered he had MRSA, so he was transferred into the isolation room. Mr A was getting worse and refused the ventilator. We called his wife to let her know she needed to come to the hospital as soon as possible.
The flu was taking its toll on EVERYONE, including staff, so we were short-staffed in addition to an increased patient census. They sent me a nurses’ aide to help so I had her sit with the patient because I didn’t believe anyone should die alone while I tried vainly to catch up on all my meds and assessments.
I could see Mr A laboring with every breath and he kept taking off his non-rebreather. I was frantic that he would die before his wife would get to the hospital and, unfortunately, he did. When the wife came just after the doctor pronounced him, I blurted, “You just missed him.” It wasn’t true, though. He had stopped being Mr A long before that.
The intern who was following Mr A came to me while I was sitting in the nurses’ station, tears rolling down my cheeks. He told me Mr A had refused the ventilator because he wanted to die with dignity and this was his choice. We had done everything we could for him and Mr A was satisfied with his decision. I can still remember that novice doctor bending down, resting his arm on my chair and comforting this novice nurse back in January 1998.
I’ve had many patients die since then and I carry their memories around with me. When they do come to mind, I say a quick prayer that it was a privilege and honor to serve them.
February 10th, 2009 at 10:42 am
A lot of nurses will tell you it gets easier the longer you do the job. They told me it’s because you become ‘used to it’ or you’re feelings become ‘numb’.
I’ve been doing this a couple of years, and they were partially right. It has gotten easier, but not for the reasons they provided.
Treat each patient as if it were you’re first brush with death. The patient and the family will respect and appreciate your efforts. In my humble opinion emotional transference is unavoidable and EXPECTED. We nurses care. That’s why we do what we do.
Never stop caring. Never stop being affected by a patient’s death. It will become ‘easier’ in the sense you will be more prepared for the onslaught of activities.
Death is never something you full will get used to.
Best of luck to you and your patients.
Carpe Diem