Understanding where your peers are coming from is critical. And awareness of your personal boundary line allows you to identify when someone has stepped over it–the moment you must say something. This honor code of communication will increase your sense of self esteem and confidence tremendously, while role modeling the behaviors that make a healthy work environment. Two other skills are critical to great peer communication: knowing your own story and knowing your conflict style. Today, we’ll focus on conflict.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing. It is not to be avoided at all costs, or pursued to the point of hounding. Look at conflict as a doorway, a rare opportunity to enter another person’s world. Everyone enters each conversation from the point of view of his or her own life experiences. Your responsibility in conflict is to speak your truth and listen to others’ truths.

People respond to conflict differently. We respond based on our values. What do you value? Every one of us has a primary conflict style and a default style. Knowing your style is extremely helpful, especially in unexpected conflicts–and most conflicts are unexpected. For example, if you realize that you accommodate all the time, you may start to feel ineffective and your self-esteem will falter because you don’t accomplish your goal. If you use an avoidance style, you would really have to work hard to speak up to a peer who is upset.

A variety of conflict styles

Here are some different conflict styles. Everyone has a primary style that they use most of the time and a secondary style that they can default to if the primary is ineffective.

Decide which ones describe you best:

Collaborative You value the relationships and the goal that needs to be accomplished.

Compromise  You believe you must give a little to get a little.

Accommodation You believe you should relinquish your goals to maintain a relationship.

Forcing  You value the task at hand–the goal–as most important.

Avoidance  Neither the goal nor the relationship are worth the conflict.

Editor’s note: This excerpt is from Stressed Out About Communication Skills, our newest addition to the Stressed Out series. It’s hot off the presses this week!